The Real Reason Team 7 Spilt Up
by dango-lover17
Summary: Some people said that Uchiha Sasuke left Konoha to go train under Orochimaru because he was hungry for power. Power that the Snake Sannin could give him so that he could kill his brother Itachi. They didn't know the real reason behind the whole defecting-from-Konoha story. Frankly, it was all Kakashi-sensei's fault.
1. Chapter 1

**This is kinda based on an internet meme, which is the picture for this oneshot. Enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. (Or And Then There Were None, if we're going to get into the specifics)**

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Some people said that Uchiha Sasuke left Konoha to go train under Orochimaru because he was hungry for power. Power that the Snake Sannin could give him so that he could kill his brother Itachi. They didn't know the real reason behind the whole defecting-from-Konoha story. Frankly, it was all Kakashi-sensei's fault.

One decievingly lovely day in Konoha, Kakashi-sensei had taken it upon himself to teach his students the "other parts of being a shinobi". What could go wrong?

"Whaddya mean by that? Do you mean stealth training?" Naruto had yelled, unnecessarily loud at that time. (Kakashi-sensei had called them to the training ground at four in the morning and was, surprisingly, only an hour late.) "It's gotta be really important if you were early!"

"Could it be...kunoichi training?" Sakura mused. "I didn't know you were into that stuff, Kakashi-sensei."

Kakashi gave an eye-smile. "I'm into a lot of stuff! But no, this isn't kunoichi or stealth training."

"Whatever. Let's just get it over with." Sasuke was in a very bad mood, as per usual.

Kakashi more or less sparkled. "All right, my kawaii little genin. Today, we're going to learn about Birds and Bees!"

"..."

"HUH?! Kakashi-sensei are you out of your mind?" Sakura's face was red and livid in an instant.

"Aren't Birds and Bees just birds and bees?"

Sakura punched Naruto over his head. "No you idiot!"

Kakashi smirked under his mask. "I guess Sakura-chan here already knows about them, ne?"

Said girl turned tomato red and started stuttering. "N-no it's n-not like t-that!"

"What's he talking about, Sakura-chan? Hey Sakura-chan, are you okay?" Naruto was very confused.

Kakashi-sensei clapped his hands. "Okay okay, settle down. I'm going to start off with the basics. Maa, don't give me that face Sakura-chan. This is necessary information that every ninja needs to know. Back to the topic, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they do something very special together! Can you guess what it is?"

Naruto raised his hand. "Do they eat ramen together?"

"Simple-minded idiot." Sasuke muttered, throwing disgusted looks at the team. They were all a bunch of fools.

Kakashi beamed and reached into his pocket. "The best way to learn is from reading Jiraiya-sensei's books. Since you aren't allowed to buy them yet, I'll read mine to you." He produced a very familiar orange colored book.

"Once upon a time, there lived a kunoichi named Takura. She was widely esteemed for her beauty and signiture rose colored hair. Suitors from all over the Elemental Nations flocked to court her, but here eyes were set on only one person. His name was Daisuke of the Muchiha clan."

Sakura leaned in dreamily, forgetting for a moment what the deceiving orange book contained.

* * *

"They did WHAT?!" Sakura had tic marks on her face, her fist clenched up. She glared at Kakashi, who held up his hands sheepishly.

"Maa, Sakura-chan. It's just a story, a very educational story."

"Wow, I can't believe Ero Sennin wrote that," mumbled Naruto. "Actually wait, I can…It's not that bad..."

"So now, my kawaii little genin, you know all about Birds and Bees! Meet me here tomorrow- we're going to finish this discussion! It's going to be so fun- I mean educational!" Kakashi's eye crinkled a little and he poofed away in a swirl of leaves.

This whole time, Sasuke had been staring in horror at his teacher. _How does he still have a reputation?_

* * *

"And that, is how baby ninjas are made!" _Finally, freedom! From those horrendous orange books!_

"Hey Sasuke," Kakashi-sensei was staring at him intently.

Sasuke wanted to bang his head on the table. Repeatedly. "What is it?"

"If a snake man offers you power, say no. He only wants you for your body."

Sakura spluttered. "T-That's…?!"

Kakashi nodded seriously, or as seriously as the situation could allow. "Yep. Say no to snake men, drugs, and alcohol!"

Sasuke was gone before anyone else had a chance to react. He was running for his life and sanity, because if he was going to avenge his clan, he couldn't very well be as crazy as Kakashi-sensei right?

"Wow, I had no idea the teme could run that fast!"

Kakashi frowned a little. "Did I say something wrong?"

* * *

*A few months later*

Orochimaru licked his lips. "Well Sasuke? How about it? I'll give you all the power in the world if you come to me." His pale skin and abnormally long tongue bore a striking resemblance to a snake.

Sasuke shook in horror. It was exactly like Kakashi-sensei had said! "N-no please! I want to stay a virgin!"

Kabuto frowned. "What is the boy talking about?"

"Please don't! Noooo! Kakashi-sensei said that you would offer me power for my body!"

Orochimaru looked hurt. "Do you take me for a pedophile? I wasn't going to do that to you! I only want to destroy the Leaf and use you as a vessel body!"

Sasuke paused. "Are you sure?"

"Quite positive, my boy."

"Will you read Jiraiya's books and force me to listen? Or give me "The Talk?"

"Of course not, Sasuke-kun."

Sasuke threw himself down, sobbing comically. "I'll come to you! I'll do anything to get away from Kakashi-sensei's teaching!"

So Sasuke went with Orochimaru to study and become the latter's protegé. Soon after that, Sakura left Team 7 to learn under Tsunade-sama, and Naruto became Jiraiya's student. The way he put it was, "I'm gonna get some first hand information on the real stuff!"

The day Team 7 split up, Kakashi wandered down Konoha's streets, humming 'Ten Little Ninja Boys' to himself. "One little ninja boy with his work all done. He went and hanged himself and then there were none."

He tapped a finger against his mask. "I wonder why all of my genin left me all alone? Was it something I said to them? It can't be my lessons, Minato-sensei's were a lot more graphic and I'm still sane!"

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 **Please leave in the reviews what you thought of this random little idea I had. I'm not sure where it even came from, lol.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Lol, I originally intended for this to be a one-shot, but since some people in the reviews asked for Minato's team "talk" as well, here it is!**

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Minato marched up towards his genin team. Well, he could have easily flickered to where they were standing, but he wanted some form of presence today. _I can't believe that they're teenagers and no one,_ no one _has given them the Talk!_

"Team Minato!" He barked this out rather uncharacteristically. The two kids nearly jumped out of their skins at his sudden harshness. "Today is very important and- where is Obito?"

"Late," piped up Kakashi drily. He hadn't gone through puberty yet, (unlike Obito), and his voice was still the treble tone of a child's.

"That's very helpful, Kakashi."

Rin frowned. "Sensei, you know Obito. He doesn't do 'on time'."

Minato scowled. It was already a hot mess, and it hadn't even started!

"HEEEEEYYY!" Obito ran up panting. "Sorry I'm late! There was this fallen tree blocking the road so I had to-"

"You're late Obito." Kakashi, as usual, cut him off. For once, Minato didn't reproach the younger boy for being rude to his teammate.

"What? I said I was sorry, so-"

"Alright! Now that we're all together, I have some important announcements to make!" Minato started rummaging through the bag he had brought.

"Geez, lemme finish a sentence," muttered Obito. Rin patted his arm reassuringly.

"It's...not...here…" Minato scowled as he dumped the contents of the bag onto the grass.

"Is something the matter Sensei? You seem awfully on edge…" Rin, as always, was quick to notice his emotions.

Minato shook his head. "Sorry, you guys will have to wait here while I go back to grab something." He gave them an apologetic smile. "I'll be back in a flash!" (No pun intended (Ŏ艸Ŏ))

He poofed away, leaving three _very_ confused genin in the training ground. After a while, Obito yawned and sat down. "Since Minato-sensei's not going to be back for a while, we might as well sleep."

"Are you serious?" Kakashi was staring at him in disbelief. "If we have time left over, we train. The rules and regulations say that a shinobi must always be prepared."

Obito waved him off. "Lighten up, Kaka-baka. Rules this, regulations that, it's all I hear from you."

"Inspirational words for someone who says he's going to be Hokage." But before the boys could get into another argument, before Rin even had a chance to assuage the tension, something else presented itself.

"Hey brats!" _Something_ was hanging out of the tree they had been standing under. Something big and white and spiky.

Kakashi jumped back, kunai at the ready. He stared at the figure that had so unceremoniously appeared in their midst. "J-Jiraiya?!"

"Kakashi, do you know him?" Rin's eyes took in the man's clothing. He didn't seem threatening, but you never know…

Kakashi opened his mouth and closed it again. Finally, he managed to choke out, "H-He's Minato-sensei's teacher. B-Before, when I was his only student, he'd come and help...ano…"

Obito gulped. If Kakashi was this much affected by this guy, something was definitely wrong.

"Come on Kakashi! You remember me right? Your dad and me go way back!"

Kakashi nodded weakly, for once not turning into an angst-filled emo at the mention of his father. "Y-yeah…I remember you all right…"

"Come on, I said sorry!" Kakashi sent him a horrified look in response.

"W-who are you?" Brave and rash as always, Obito interrupted the strange man and Kakashi's conversation.

The unfamiliar man puffed out his chest. "Of the Legendary Mount Myobuku, one of the Great Sannin, The Legendary Toad Sage-"

"Jiraiya-sensei!" Minato appeared beside him. "I'm glad you could make it!"

Jiraiya huffed. "You spoiled my introduction, Minato." Minato smiled apologetically and turned to his students.

Obito stared at Jiraiya skeptically. "That's one of the Sannin? I would have thought that the Sannin would be more impressive than that…"

"Shut up, brat," muttered Jiraiya. "And I'm an author in addition to being a Sannin."

"Oh really?" Rin's face brightened. "What kind of books do you write?"

Minato cleared his throat. "Ano..that's actually what we're going to talk about today!" Of course, no one was paying attention to him.

Jiraiya surveyed Rin with a critical eye. Then, he beamed. "Rin, I've decided! I'm basing my next book on you! You're perfect for the role of one of the main characters!"

Minato's world abruptly came crashing down around him. _This was so not what he had signed up for!_ "Sensei! You are NOT going to 'research' my fourteen year old student!"

Rin sent him a questioning look. "Minato-sensei, he can if he wants to. I've never been part of a book before."

Minato gritted his teeth. "You don't want to be part of this one." Clearing his throat again, he forced out, "Okay, back to the point! Today, you three are learning a fundamental part of life that a shinobi must well informed in. Jiraiya-sensei is helping me because he's a lot more familiar with it."

Rin looked interested, Kakashi unimpressed, and Obito was asleep. Jiraiya kicked the Uchiha, and Obito woke up with a yelp.

"Hey! Wuzzat for?!"

"Wake up brat. I'm reading you a story. You should be honored- this one hasn't been published yet so you're the first ones who get to hear it. Well, besides Minato since he proofreads them for me. "

Minato grinned weakly. "Ah, yeah. I'll...yeah…"

Jiraiya took a seat and flipped to the first page of the curiously orange book. "There was once in the shinobi world a ninja named Rinako. He had hair the color of the sun, and was famed for his bravery and incredible speed. This is the tale of him and the woman he loved."

About thirty seconds into the story, all three members of Team Minato were rooted to the ground. Literally.

Obito groaned, trying to run away from the very detailed passage Jiraiya was happily monolouging. With horror, he realized that his feet weren't moving, nor could he lift his arms. One sideways glance at Rin told him that she was experiencing the same thing.

"Sensei! What's going on?" His bright red face told volumes.

Shikako stepped out of the bush behind them. Obito glance at his feet and realized the shadow connecting him and the older boy.

"Y-you too?!" He more or less shrieked.

"Sorry kids. Minato-san blackmailed me into doing this. It's troublesome, but he's my superior."

Kakashi's eyes were glazed and his head lolled to the side, his mask being soaked in blood from his nosebleed.

"Minato-sensei, how could you?" Rin was giving him puppy dog eyes now. _Oh no, he was so screwed…_

Minato closed his eyes and shook his head firmly. "It's for your own benefit."

He missed the death glares from both Rin and Obito.

"Look sensei! You even broke Kaka-baka!" _Yeah, he was going to regret this…_

He was so busy looking away from Rin's alternating puppy dog eyes and waves of killer intent, that he didn't realize what had happened until it was too late.

Rin exploded out of Shikako's Shadow Possession Jutsu with a mighty effort. The Nara blinked, but before he could recapture her, she was gone, running for her life.

"KUSHINA-NEE!" He was going to die tonight...he was sure now.

Jiraiya winced, but kept reading. "And so, Rinako and Tushina walked hand in hand to the hot springs, her long red hair and his sunshine locks in perfect harmony."

Minato exhaled. "You can let go now, Shikako."

Shikako shivered as he released the jutsu. "I'm sorry, I didn't think that a girl like her could break my jutsu. It's troublesome." He left in a hurry, not making eye contact with Minato or Obito.

"MINATO!" The loud voice sealed his fate with a single word. "WHAT'S THIS THAT RIN-CHAN IS TELLING ME?!" Kushina was getting closer, and Obito ran to her, sobbing in relief.

He shifted a little and grabbed Kakashi's limp body and Jiraiya's collar and raijined the hell out of there.

* * *

When Kakashi woke up, he couldn't quite understand why Minato-sensei and Jiraiya-sensei were in the hospital for emergency treatment. Honestly, they probably deserved it.

When he visited them, however, he had a request to make. "Jiraiya-sama, could I...see that book you were reading?"

* * *

*A few months later*

Rin felt Kakashi's gaze on her, and she blushed fiercely. _Was he finally noticing her?_

Kakashi walked over and studied her figure. Without a trace of emotion, he placed a hand on her breast for a moment and squeezed it gently. Then he let go and walked away.

"I see why Jiraiya-sama gets his inspiration now."

Obito and Rin stared in astonishment where their teammate had just stood... _and felt Rin up._

"Kakashi!" Minato's face was purple. "I didn't give you "The Talk" for this reason!"

Kakashi shrugged. "You didn't give "The Talk" at all, sensei." He sat down and pulled out a stack of brightly covered books and started reading.

"KAKASHI WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!"

* * *

"Hey, Kakashi." Obito's voice was barely more than a whisper in the collapsed cavern.

"Hold still," murmured Rin. She was focused on implanting the sharingan into Kakashi's empty eye socket and was barely holding back tears.

Kakashi clenched his fists. _If only he had listened to Obito, if only he had been faster, if only…_

"Kakashi, are ya still there?"

"Yeah."

"Alright. Listen to me...this time...When you get out...keep Rin safe...promise me…"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry...ya know? Because now, you and Rin have to suffer through sensei's "Talks"...Poor Rin...don't grope her or I'll come back to haunt you. Also...Don't read those pervy books..."

Kakashi managed a scowl. "They're good literature, dobe."

"They're...gonna...make you crazy like sensei…"

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 **Review and favorite if you liked it! Thanks for reading!**


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